Still Going

So most of you have long since retired from the sporadic visits to my blog in order to kill off time. Which means if you are reading this you are more than likely lost or perhaps have just reached an unprecedented level of boredom. Either way, welcome.

I admit that toward the end of my chilean adventures, I definitely sort of fell out of the blogosphere. There are still a number of stories that I left untold, and many may well fade into the memory bank of stories that will only survive as nebulous intimations in the overcrowded storage space of my mind. The reason being, I have no intention to continue revisiting my time in Chile in whatever posts I decide to upload onto this blog of mine from here on out.

Going forward my posts may simply be incoherent ramblings with neither direction nor purpose. Or maybe they will morph into amateur attempts to write something profound. But mostly, this will be a sounding board that will provide me a slight respite from the multitudinous assailants laying siege to my mind (i.e. my thoughts). AND, as I am not likely going to advertise or promote the blog further, this can be our little secret. You don't have to tell me you are reading, and I don't have to try to appease anyone that is. From here on out, this is my gift to me. Because, after all, who doesn't like to make themselves vulnerable by posting some of their more revealing thoughts and struggles on a quasi-public forum?

Anyway, without further adieu, here is the first chapter in my blog, post-return to the USA:

The United States during Christmas time is an interesting place. That's not to say that the U.S. isn't an interesting place the rest of the year; nevertheless, it is during Christmas that the US most successfully lives up to the image that the generally poorly informed populace of the outside world has created for it. It is this time of year when we are most acutely aware of the type of identity that we have created for ourselves: that is to say, first and foremost we are consumers.

Without much of a segue, I will just to another topic, and perhaps later I will be able to draw a connection between what might at first seem to be unrelated topics.

In Chile, I struggled quite a bit with my identity as a Christian. I think some of that struggle could be associated with an insidious fear to be any further associated with George W. Bush. Not necessarily because he is a terrible person (though many certainly disagree on that point), but primarily because at the root of almost all human interaction is a desire to be accepted. We shape ourselves and mold ourselves and behave in certain ways in order to be accepted. And while some people would claim that they behave in just the opposite manner, I would argue the contrary; that rather than behaving so that they are outsiders and castaways, they are simply behaving in such a way as to be accepted by another group, perhaps one that they feel more closely resembled their images of themselves and their views of the world. After all, the punk movement couldn't be a movement if no one else joined in, and even Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold (sp?) had each other. And going back to my point about W, let's face it, the guy hasn't done a great job of making friends.

Either way, I think the point is, that in a lot of ways, I was afraid to convey the wrong impression to people that I already had trouble relating to. There seemed little need to add another layer of stereotypes to overcome when already dealing with the burden of a language and cultural barrier (not to mention a cultural identity that is often anathema to the rest of the global community).

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was hiding the wrong identity. In spite of the fact that Americans are often viewed as boorish, arrogant, self-righteous pricks before they even open their mouths, I flaunted my Americanism proudly in Chile and in all my travels through South America, in part because of the innate pride that I carry with me and that has been inculcated in all Americans through an extensive system socializing everyone to believe that America truly is the greatest place on earth, and in part because I wanted to help change some people's points of view about America and Americans.

It wasn't until recently that I realized my error. I kept quiet on my belief system, because I was afraid of being judged. Yet at the same time, I was often overly forthright in indicating that I was from America because of the way that I could be an agent of change on behalf of all Americans. Now, though, I have begun to understand that the opposite should have been true.

It does very little for me and for all Americans if a number of people out there think more highly of Americans. Either you are American or not. You have very little control over that. Certainly, you have control on how you choose to comport yourself in certain situations, whether traveling abroad or at home, but you cannot change where you are from. You can escape it and deny it all you want, run away and join a throng of expats in a forgotten town buried in the heart of another culture, but it will always be a part of you and something that you can never change.

On the other hand, it does a whole lot for me and for other Christians if a number of people out their change their opinions of Christians and what they stand for. For one, it would bring more people to the eternal party that we get to rock when we are through with our time here. In addition, a broader base of Christians, SHOULD also translate to a broader base of individuals promoting love, peace, community, and joy. And effecting change in this way is achievable because unlike with your cultural identity, as a Christian, you have a choice. That is the whole point. In fact, the entirety of the religion hinges on THAT choice. Either you make it or you don't. Take it or leave it. With that one decision you can change the direction of your entire life, and also unlike you cultural identity or your historical upbringing, your old life IS something you can leave behind.

Still, I kept quiet, because in my imperfections I didn't want to perform a disservice to all the great people out there who are truly Christians, seeking Christ, pursuing God, living the way they are called to (or at least trying to). It was easier for me to accept doing a disservice to the American stereotype than to the Christian one.

It was a poor decision, but it is one that I cannot change at this point. All I can do is learn from it and try to grow from it. Which is perhaps the main reason that I am excited to be back in America: I can no longer excuse away my spiritual malaise.

In addition, I also got to thinking about the interplay between America and Christianity, and it struck me as incredibly contradictory. Much in the same way that I believe both parties in our ridiculously two party "democracy" burden themselves with inconsistent philosophies across the social/economic division of politics, I found the fact that America is widely considered a Christian nation to be utterly inconsistent with what the two shall we say "institutions" represent. Everything about capitalism and consumerism which are the fabric of America run counter to the most foundational tenets of Christianity. As a nation we promote individualism, competition, legalism, and categorization. We form social hierarchies and praise those higher on the totem, while largely neglecting, or even disrespecting those on the bottom. Celebrities of all kinds are our heroes, and regardless of whether they are professional athletes, pop singers, or reality TV stars, the common denominator in our reverence for them is WEALTH (or at least a perception of wealth). Yet as Christians we are told to give up EVERYTHING to follow Christ. Often it is just the opposite. We give up everything to follow money. We will move from tight-knit communities, uproot our families, abandon our friends, betray colleagues, and even lie to ourselves in the pursuit, but at the end, it is like chasing the end of the rainbow in search for the pot of gold in that we never really quite find what we are expecting at the other end.

Far be it for me to put myself above any of these observations (and that is what they are: observations. This is not intended as cynical invective condemning all things American or all Americans, not by any means). On the contrary! I am caught up in the very center of it all. Still, I am quickly coming to terms that life has more to offer than a fictional pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And THAT is the pursuit that I want to be a part of. I just hope I can learn to chase after the right stuff.